What Type of Beer is… And Better Craft Beer Options

Let’s take a moment to look behind the curtain. My articles are driven by what you, the beer drinking public, is searching for. You consistently ask, “What type of beer is…?” Largely, you ask these questions of big beers like Budweiser, Miller High Life and Coors Lite. Anyone who has been following this site knows my opinion of big beer. The beer industry has been one of the lone beacons of democracy left in this capitalist economy. While most industries have been consolidating, beer has grown from 100 breweries in 1987 to 8000 today. Competition is good. Diversity is good. Choice is good.

Big Beer Can Suck it!

Two major beer conglomerates, Anheuser Busch/InBev and Molson Coors dominate the market. They are responsible for 65% of the market. While beer drinkers may be seeing more and more options, the distributors use unseen influence to restrain independent brewers and limit their ability to sell beer in wide distribution. 90 percent of beer sold in most places in America is handled by distributors whose primary customer is one of the two big brewers, giving AB InBev and Molson Coors outsize control over which beers appear on bar taps and in retail coolers.

They ensure that their palate crushing toilet water are the only real options. If you are drinking these beers, that’s fine but just be aware that you are really just interested in a social lubricant than you are in a great tasting beer. If beer is your jam, below is an exhaustive list of beers that are planets better than these monuments of mediocrity and greed.

What Type of Beer is Coors Banquet?

Type: Golden Lager
Taste (according to paid publicists): Brisk and satisfying with a subtle sweetness and malty refreshment

What it actually tastes like: The tears of starving children.
Maker: Molson Coors
Craft Alternative: Yuengling

What Type of Beer is Busch Light?

Type: Pale Lager
Taste ( (according to paid publicists) : Fairly oaty with a slight mineral aftertaste

What it actually tastes like: The gangrenous infection of greed on our collective unconscious
Maker: Anheuser-Busch/InBev (The Evil Empire)
Craft Alternative: Try any local brewery in your area and grab a light lager or pilsner and enjoy what love tastes like. My go to is Community’s Texas Lager.

What Type of Beer is Rolling Rock?

Type: American Lager
Taste (according to paid publicists) : Crisp, Clean, Balanced

What it actually tastes like: The stench of mediocrity dipped in the angst of Lemmings marching off a cliff.
Maker: Anheuser-Busch/InBev (soul-less vampires)
Craft Alternative: Find any Independent brewery near you and sample any on their taplist until you find one you love. I recently tried the Lagerbier Hell from Wayfinder Brewing. Mindblowing. Tastes like God smiling and children laughing.

What Type of Beer is Shock Top?

Type: Wheat Ale
Taste (according to paid publicists) : Naturally cloudy with a smooth, refreshing taste.

What it actually tastes like: The putrid rotting carcasses of life long dreams
Maker: Anheuser-Busch/InBev (are you starting to sense of a theme?)
Craft Alternative: Any of your local independent breweries will have a beer that you will love. If you are a wheat beer fan Emmer from Lost Worlds Brewing is killer. It reminds me of a chorus of angels singing at the entrance of heaven while Hendrix breaks into an extended harp solo.

What Type of Beer is Modelo Negra?

Type: Dunkel-style Lager
Taste (according to paid publicists): It is a delicious, creamy, full-flavored dark brew with a pleasant malt aroma and dry hop flavor that has a smooth mellow taste

What it actually tastes like: Hungry wolverines eating their young.
Maker: Grupo Modelo
Craft Alternative: I recently visited the legendary Bierstadt Lagerhaus and got to try their Dunkel. It tastes like magic faeries dancing across your tongue dropping great, big, giant, liquid flavor bombs.

What Type of Beer is Fat Tire?

Type: Amber Ale
Taste: Has floral and herbal notes with a hint of sweetness.

What it actually tastes like: BETRAYAL.
Maker: New Belgium Brewing Company owned by Kirin
Craft Alternative: This was once a thriving independent brewery. Fat Tire was one of the beers responsible for getting millions into craft beer (me included), but alas the green-eyed monster came and plucked the still beating heart from the chest of craft beer and ate it in front of us. Time to transition to another, even better rendition of an amber ale. Shipping Out of Boston from Jack’s Abby is revered by beer lovers all over the land. It tastes like loyalty dipped in faith in our fellow man.

What Type of Beer is Stella Artois?

Type: Belgian Lager
Taste (according to paid publicists) : Bold, fruity, and malty sweetness

What it actually tastes like: a skunky must cloud raining droplets of mediocrity on status quo sheep grazing in a field of dullness.
Owner: Anheuser-Busch/In Bev
Craft Alternative: all of them. every single craft option is better than this. But for the sake of visual interest, try The Standard. A Czech style lager from Notch Brewing. If you were to drink these two side-by-side, you’d seriously consider suing ab/inbev for mouth assault.

What Type of Beer is 805?

Type: Blonde Ale
Taste: Subtle malt sweetness is balanced by a touch of hops, creating a versatile beer with a clean finish
Maker: Firestone Walker Brewing Company
Craft Alternative: Don’t need an alternative for this one. Firestone Walker is a testament to what craft beer is. Great beer. Drink this instead of any of the big beer options listed on this page. Trust me, you will want to kiss me full on the lips.

What Type of Beer is Sapporo?

Type: Rice Lager
Taste (according to paid publicists}: Crisp, refined flavor and a clean finish

What it actually tastes like: The blood of independent brewers being executed by firing squad.
Maker: Sapporo USA
Craft Alternative: Japanese Lager by pFriem Family Brewers. This beautiful beer tastes like sunrises on glass-like ocean horizons.

What Type of Beer is Dos Equis?

Type: Pilsner
Taste (according to paid publicists): A nuanced blend of malts, spices and earth tones. Flavorful yet light-tasting and smooth.

What it actually tastes like: The slow drowning of puppies.
Maker: Cuauhtémoc Moctezuma Brewery
Craft Alternative: Slow Pour Pils from Bierstadt Lagerhaus. This is available from beer drop, so it is available to the masses. I had the pleasure of sipping on this legendary brew from the tap at Bierstadt. This tastes like first kisses from the homecoming queen after making the game winning shot at the state finals.

What Type of Beer is Hefeweizen?

Type: Wheat
Taste: As you smell Hefeweizen, you will notice a mixture of fruity and spicy aroma. You can also taste banana, clove and vanilla flavors. Live Oak Brewing makes the best hefe I’ve ever tasted. It reminds me of the love of a good woman. Just a brilliant beer.
Maker: Live Oak Brewing

What Type of Beer is Modelo Especial?

Type: Pilsner
Taste (according to paid publicists): Slightly sweet, well-balanced taste with a light hops character and crisp finish

What it actually tastes like: This tastes like your eyes being pried open Clockwork Orange style, while being forced to watch Full House.
Maker: Grupo Modelo
Craft Alternative: Pivo Pils from Firestone Walker. This pilsner is fairly ubiquitous and a much more satisfying beverage than the liquid brainwashing noted above. Pivo Pils tastes like a nice jump in the pool after mowing our lawn.

What Type of Beer is Budweiser?

Type: Lager
Taste (according to paid publicists): Along with trace citrus and fruity notes, the taste is crisp and clean with a wonderful finish

What it actually tastes like: Imagine hating your taste buds so badly that you want to waterboard them with garbage swill.
Maker: Anheuser-Busch/InBev
Craft Alternative: Lager Altstadt Brewery. This beer reminds us that there are forces that are working to take out the Ab/InBev Death Star.

What Type of Beer is Michelob Ultra?

Type: Light Lager
Taste (according to paid publicists): Light citrus aroma and a crisp, refreshing finish

What it actually tastes like: Imagine the only music you were allowed to listen to was The Weekend. Constantly on a loop. That’s what Michelob Ultra tastes like.
Maker: Anheuser-Busch/InBev
Craft Alternative: Clearly people just want lagers. First Call from Modist Brewing is the gold standard in American Lager. It tastes like a jam session with Duane Allman, John Bonham, Freddie Mercury, Jaco, Coltrane and Jesus. Drain pour the Ultra and suck down one of these bad boys.

What Type of Beer is Bud Light?

Type: American Lager
Taste (according to paid publicists): Light malt taste, ends with mild bitterness

What it actually tastes like: Kicking a special needs kid in the head, but with fewer calories.
Maker: Anheuser-Busch/InBev
Craft Alternative: Rocket 100 from Austin Beer Garden Brewing. This is a pre-prohibition style pilsner that tastes like someone gave you a shoebox full of twenty-dollar bills.

What Type of Beer is Heineken?

Type: Pale Lager
Taste (according to paid publicists): Stronger, bitterer taste.

Many ask What Country is Heineken From?

While it is from the Netherlands, we would say “Craplandia”.

What it actually tastes like: Imagine gargling a bucket full of gaslighting narcissism.
Maker: Anheuser-Busch/InBev
Craft Alternative: Beer Camp from Sierra Nevada. This is available across the land and it won’t make you hate yourself for contributing to the negligent homicide of American creativity.

What Type of Beer is Miller High Life?

Type: American Lager
Taste (according to paid publicists): Miller High Life has a bouquet that tastes pleasingly of apple juice and Corn Nuts, light and sweet with just a hint of toffee.

What it actually tastes like: Like coming in second at the science fair to a kid who had his parents do his project.
Maker: Molson Coors Brewing Company
Craft Alternative: Geez. You guys are really fixated on lagers. Here is a bridge beer that might lead you to the wide world of ales. It’s a kolsch, a hybrid of lager and ale, to expose you to a whole other dimension of beer drinking. Fine Line by Suarez Family Brewery.

What Type of Beer is Spotted Cow?

Type: Farmhouse Ale
Taste: It has a sweeter taste that reminds me of honey, orange peel, or citrus, a great balance between malt and hops, and a slight bready aftertaste
Maker: New Glarus Brewing
Craft Alternative: No need for an alternative. New Glarus is a beast of an independent brewery. Spotted Cow is a legendary brew.

What Type of Beer is Coors Light?

Type: Light Lager
Taste (according to paid publicists): Light body with clean malt notes and low bitterness

What it actually tastes like: A silver bullet ripping through your ability to give a shit.
Maker: Molson Coors Brewing Company
Craft Alternative: Give the award winning Lager at World’s End from Epidemic Ales. This lager will set you straight. Show you how to perceive correctly. It tastes like wisdom.

What Type of Beer is Oktoberfest?

Type: Marzen
Taste: Sweet, almost humid malt flavor that’s balanced by a slight bitter note from the hops
Maker: Great Lakes Brewing (independently owned)

What Type of Beer is Peroni?

Type: Italian Lager
Taste (according to paid publicists): Crisp and refreshing taste and subtle citrus aroma

What it actually tastes like: That moment you realize her picture on the dating app was from 10 years and 20 pounds ago.
Maker: Peroni Brewery
Craft Alternative: Perle Haggard from Ex Novo Brewing. Tastes like breaking 80 in golf for the first time.

What Type of Beer is Sam Adams?

Type: Lager
Taste: Sharp, clean hop bitterness overlays sweet, toasted malt with cracker notes
Maker: Boston Beer Company
Craft Alternative: no need for an independent alternative. Boston Beer Company is independently owned, Enormous, but independent.

What Type of Beer is Coors?

Type: Light Lager
Taste (according to paid publicists): Light body with clean malt notes and low bitterness

What it actually tastes like: Internet trolls waiting for the chance to twitter shame you for disagreeing with them.
Maker: Coors Brewing Company
Craft Alternative: Lets shake it up a bit. Lets try a Dark Lager. Let’s go with Death and Taxes from Moonlight Brewing. Don’t fret, it’s still light and perhaps the best lager you will ever try. Drinking this reminds me of the unparralleled sense of accomplishment one gets from successfully putting together a piece of IKEA furniture. So satisfying.

Conclusion:

There are plenty of local, independently owned breweries in you vicinity. Go check them out. They will gladly give you a flight for you to find something you love. These are beers brewed with intention and creativity, not something that tumbles off an assembly line that tastes like boredom. Give these hardworking brewers an honest chance and you will never go back. . Its time to understand the price one pays for frivolity or for greed. The price tag is high. It costs us the sacred material of the human heart, human desire and human tragedy. Of course I could be wrong. I almost always am.